What Does It Actually Mean to “Feel Your Feelings”?

Written by: Michael Tighe, PsyD Student

What are the conditions that give us permission to feel?

A common heuristic in therapy is the notion that “you have to feel it to heal it.” This therapeutic wisdom, often described simply as the known importance of “feeling your feelings,” has become so notoriously celebrated on coffee mugs, pillows, and sweaters in the wellness space that it’s become quite disconnected from an understanding of how one even does this. We know it’s important, but how do we do it? What does it actually mean to “feel” something? And why is it so difficult to do, even when we know exactly what we’re supposed to be feeling?

Someone may know they’re grieving the death of a loved one. They may even be able to label their stage of grief. But awareness alone is rarely enough to help someone fully drop into their emotional experience. Knowing you’re sad is not the same thing as allowing yourself to fully experience sadness.

Feelings require certain conditions in order to emerge. One needs to feel safe, understood, and unrushed. They need to feel their emotions can take up space without fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection. They need permission to go where their emotions naturally take them, even if what they feel seems messy, irrational, or overwhelming. They need permission to speak slowly, imperfectly, and non-linearly. Emotions need space to unfold naturally, to be experienced rather than managed, and to lead us toward understandings we often cannot arrive at through thinking alone.

These conditions can be difficult to create if, growing up, emotional expression felt unsafe, burdensome, or disruptive to the people around you. In these types of environments, it’s quite common to learn to talk about feelings by explaining, summarizing, or rationalizing them instead of actually experiencing them. When someone becomes more focused on remaining composed in the telling of their story, they lose connection with the emotional experience underneath it; they risk becoming disconnected from themselves.

Part of why journaling is such a common therapeutic recommendation is that it naturally recreates many of the emotional conditions people need in order to reflect honestly. Writing something down by hand naturally creates many of the emotional conditions required for reflection.

Writing slows us down; it requires intentionality because it takes time to write something by hand. It requires a reflective mood and a space with privacy where one can be confident their raw thoughts and emotions can run onto the page without immediate expectations or judgments following them. Writing gives people freedom to emotionally wander without immediately worrying about how their honesty may affect others.

That being said, if you grew up in an environment where it didn’t feel safe to explore your feelings, where you felt judged rather than supported as you tried to make sense of what was happening inside of you, then learning to work through emotions can feel incredibly intimidating. It can make opening up to anyone difficult, even someone you’re literally paying to support you through that process.

If this was your environment growing up, it’s quite common that a fear of unpacking how you’re actually feeling will lead to the catastrophic outcome that this fear is telling you will happen. The longer emotions are forced beneath the surface, the more pressure they tend to build, often emerging later in ways that feel overwhelming or difficult to contain.

Despite these challenges, the benefits of cultivating a supportive environment that allows you to be open about your feelings without judgment are essential.

The feeling of catharsis that comes from this feeling of getting this emotional weight off your shoulders is powerful; it can actually mimic the same feeling one gets from a substance. Though rather than numbing your senses and your connection with yourself, this catharsis from feeling adequately heard and understood is the glue that holds your supportive foundation together. It also acts as the vehicle that helps you retain your own connection with yourself and others.

If this kind of emotional safety and connection feels unfamiliar, difficult to maintain, or hard to recreate in your own life, the Centre for MindBody Health can help. Therapy provides a space where emotions no longer need to be worked through alone. It’s a space where you can safely reconnect with your own experience, and rediscover what it feels like to remain connected to yourself and to the people you love.