Being Intentional with the Time That Finally Belongs to Us

Moving Beyond Productivity Toward Restoration and Intention

Written by: Michael Tighe, PsyD Student

Sometimes clients in therapy can be disappointed when they realize that the issue they came to work through cannot be resolved in a single session. Interestingly, this same predisposition is correlated with the tendency to seek an immediate, predictable, and controllable light switch fix they can use to help them feel the way they want to feel when that feeling is difficult to access naturally.

This mindset is understandable in today’s economy where it’s hard to earn a liveable wage.  We work hard, hoping to eventually be in a situation where we can rest, be ourselves, be surrounded by those we love, and feel a sense of contentment. Yet, when we are finally able to kick back and enjoy the fruits of our labour, it can be surprisingly difficult to do so in a way that feels genuinely satisfying.

With technological advances pushing the envelope regarding when work ends, and the rest of our lives begin, there may be little energy left once the day finally belongs to us. Instead of using this time in the way we imagined that morning, we reach for whatever offers the fastest relief: scrolling, watching something on a screen, having a beer, or passively consuming whatever requires the least from us.

The more predictably we continue to reach for these same limited options to wind down, the more likely we are to become aware of our own growing tolerance for them. Despite this awareness, it’s easy to feel stuck because of how difficult it is to replace them when you feel like you don’t have the capacity at that moment to cultivate an alternative.

The “stuck-ness” of these habits is often connected to how difficult it feels to pause and slow down enough to ask ourselves what is happening inside us that is driving this behaviour? What emotion is contributing to this habit becoming such a well-worn solution? What are we worried will happen if we don’t reach for it? What are we trying to avoid or alleviate?

Part of the difficulty here is that the same side of us that pushes through responsibilities during the day can remain active once the work is finished. It helped us get things done, but it may not transition into rest on its own after we’re done for the day. Instead, we might approach relaxation and feeling satisfied with our night with the same rigour we used to get through the hard stuff throughout the day. We put pressure on ourselves to use the evening “well” or get “adequate value” from the few hours we have before bed.

This mindset can leave us disconnected from our own subjective experience, where it can be easy to get hung up on the quality of the night being determined through external measures rather than what was inherently fulfilling to us. As if the price of the meal, or the quality of the seats at the game, is the only litmus test of importance. When we move so quickly toward this type of quantification, it becomes difficult to stay connected with our own subjective measures of fulfillment. It becomes harder to tap into the younger part of us that once knew how to become absorbed in play, curiosity, music, imagination, and make use of the unstructured time we have in a way that feels surprisingly fulfilling despite the surprising “normalness” of it.

Of course, we all need reliable and predictable ways to wind down after a demanding day. The question is not whether we should rest, but whether the form of rest we choose is giving us what we need.

When we struggle to stay connected to ourselves, rather than focusing on predetermined external measures of what we do in our leisure time, it may be more helpful to ask: “What leaves me feeling restored and fulfilled?”

Sometimes the well-worn habits everyone loves will be exactly what you’re in the mood for. Other times, when those don’t do the trick, and you grant yourself permission to slow down enough to determine what will fill up your cup, you may surprise yourself in your ability to not only recover from a long day but also end it feeling fulfilled.

The time that finally belongs to us does not need to become another test of our productivity. It can become an opportunity to listen more closely to what we actually need, reconnect with what feels personally meaningful, and spend this small portion of our lives in a way our future selves will appreciate.

Sometimes a more interesting question isn’t how to use the evening better, but why so little restoration, pleasure, or aliveness is available throughout the rest of the week. If this question resonates with you, the Centre for MindBody Health is here to help. Together, we can explore what your life could look like on the other side of this pattern; not simply by helping you resist the quick fix, but by helping you build a life where you no longer feel such a strong need for it. A life that is more grounded in what matters to you, so you don’t feel the need to recover from it when you finally have the freedom to do so.